Simply Misunderstood XO

We all know the saying “home is where your heart is” meaning that your “home” doesn’t necessarily have to be a physical place. “Home” can be known, in this sense, as a symbol for comfort, trust, and safety, and you can find that in a physical place, or even in a person whom you love. However, my house is not an ordinary house.

Families can just get up and move from house to house and never think twice because they just carry their memories with them each time. Whether they were made in house number one or house number three, they all resonate with the family to remind them of where they came from. And that’s fine. If Jack and Jill want to make memories in a condo before having kids, and then buy their first house with baby number one, and need to move to a bigger house by baby number three, then it makes sense. Each child will have their own memories of each house to carry with them, along with the parents. And they will all move on together. I get it. It’s part of life. But, my life is is not that simple.

From the day I was born I lived in this house. I spoke my first words, took my first steps, began my first day of school, made my first friends, joined sports teams, ate family dinners, completed a plethora of homework, traveled on vacation, enjoyed the company of my siblings, took part in family game nights, enjoyed Sweet 16 season, graduated high school, made more new friends, became a college athlete, won numerous awards, experienced the legal life, graduated college, and everything in between, all while living in this house. All great memories right? Well, with all great memories come bad ones, some of which people choose to ignore and leave behind, especially when the opportunity presents itself, like moving to a new house. But, that’s not me.

In the middle of all of the positive memories and milestones were the fights with my siblings I still feel guilty about, the disputes with my parents I never understood, the hurtful words I want to take back, the tears caused by some hurtful girls (and guys) in school, the drama that just seemed to never go away, those sleepless nights with no one to turn to, the mornings that I did not even want to wake up, the knives that got stabbed in my back countless times, the agony of being punished, the screams of desperation when all I wanted was “my mommy,” the fear of never being good enough, the stress of trying to live up to expectations, and most of all, the heartbreak of losing someone you love, your hero, your role model, in this house.

So, yes, I can just pick up my things, lock all of these memories in my heart and move on— I’m going to have to. But, this house will always be my “home”. I began this journey, in this house, as one of five, so to have to leave this house as only one of four is the day I never to wanted to have come. A piece of my heart broke off and died the day we lost my mom. Her last breaths were taken in this house. So, to just pick up and leave and try to bring it all with me is damn near impossible. Leaving this house, this home, is like leaving her. Yes, I will always have the memories, but sometimes that just doesn’t quite cut it. As time goes on, it’s hard enough to remember the memories we made in this house let alone trying to remember them even further down the road, without having the place where they happened to remind me, is going to suck.

It’s one thing to live as a full family and move all together as a full family to a new home. That, although it would still be tough, I could somehow manage. But, in my case, this house will always be my home. I don’t think another physical house, apartment, or condo could ever take it’s place. So, until the day I have to start making my own “home” for my own children, this house will continue to be my home. The place where I may not have always been happy, but always felt safe. The place that I always wanted to leave, but could never imagine not being able to go back to. This house is my security. This house is my comfort. This house is my rock. This house is my heart. This house is my HOME.

And nothing will EVER change that.