Simply Misunderstood XO

So last night I had a dream. It was particularly different than any other dream I’ve ever had…and I’ve had numerous. But it wasn’t a bad thing, because I saw my [deceased] mom. (Ugh, that’s still so awful to say 😣)

But anyway, I saw her. With my bare eyes! Now, this type of dream doesn’t come often. And usually they’re all the same…she just appears there and doesn’t say a word, just watching as my dream progresses (kind of like she is probably doing in real life–watching my life unfold while up above).

Now, it’s been almost (dare I say) EIGHT years since she’s been gone 😞 so I mean it’s pretty obvious that she’s missed a significant part of my life. A lot of life-defining years actually. So, I’ve always been skeptical of the fact that IF there was ever any way I possibly saw or talked to her again, it would be like she doesn’t even know me. (And that’s sad to say) But, it happened. I saw AND talked to her! It happened in my dream. And that was not the case at all–all of the missed years were irrelevant.

Now call it “just a dream” or a “sign from above” or whatever you want, but I’ll let you decide for your own self after reading what happened. Here it goes…

I was told if I ever were to see her I would see her how I remember her. When she died, her hair was just growing back from chemo, so she didn’t have those long locks anymore. And her body was depleted from the cancer and chemo, so she looked completely unhealthy. But, she looked nothing like that in the dream! I actually saw her while standing in front of a mirror (the one in my parents old room actually), while also seeing MYSELF at the same time. It was like real life, PLUS a little of the other side. I got SOOO excited and I’m pretty sure I started to cry (tears of joy of course!).

There she was, standing there in her bright green sleeveless shirt; it was one of those in the stretchable material that she had in like every color! Her hair was grown back to the length it had been when I was a child, shoulder length, but not quite as thick. And even though she was wearing these coral colored Bermuda short length shorts that I probably would’ve expected her to wear on vacation on a tropical island, I loved it! Heck, maybe she was in the middle of a little vacation herself at that point! Good for her! She always loved vacation (especially Atlantis).

Anyway, I was in such shock I was surprised I could speak! My sister was there with me, and we both were super excited talking to her like she had never left! I was in such utter disbelief that we could BOTH see her. So I needed to get my brother in there to see if he could too! Once we started calling for him, my mom got so excited! Of course, it’s her little boy, we all knew he was her favorite (and I’m kind of okay with that). She kept waving for him to come over so she could see him too! It was such a beautiful moment, overflowing with excitement, compassion, and LOVE. It makes me tear up even now just thinking about how excited she was to see her baby boy, the one who she had a soft spot for in her heart.

We may not have looked exactly the ages we are now, but I know I definitely had the mindset. I didn’t get to experience it as one of my siblings, so I can’t speak for them either, all I could remember was seeing both my mother and myself in that mirror and thinking the same flipping shocked/excited/emotional thoughts I am having now while writing this!

Of course, it was a dream so I don’t remember exactly what was talked about nor how long it lasted, but the next thing I remember she was able to appear IN PERSON, not just in the mirror. We were SOO excited again. It was like the good old days…she was there again, hanging out with us in our own house. It was then we realized, “where’s Dad!? He has to see this!” So we called him over! I thought it would be too good to be true if he could see her too, in all her glory hanging out on our Dining Room floor (still with no table, by the way, because we thought we were moving). I don’t quite remember his reaction, but all I know was that he was the most relaxed, calm, and pleased I’ve seen him in YEARS now, before she ever even got sick. He did not cry tears of joy or excitement, he just took it all in, talking to her about who knows what.

At this point, my siblings had disappeared somewhere in the distance (remember, it’s a dream!) so I just remember this one scene quite clearly. In the past moments she would not touch us, nor would she let us touch her. I get that. But, in that moment, with her by my dad’s side, she was able to touch for the first time. My dad went to touch her face and I remember thinking to myself “you can’t touch her” but, he did! Just for a brief brush of her face. Then I thought, “okay that was small so maybe the ‘Gods’ didn’t notice, and it was allowed.” But NO! Get this! She then went on and gave him a kiss on the cheek! I was super surprised it didn’t affect him as much as it did, but that’s sort of the last thing I remember of the dream anyway. (Sorry to disappoint with such a dramatic ending like that). I think it was meant for exactly that picture though: A calm, soothed father, three excited and joyful children, and one big happy family.

I don’t remember how the dream ended, I don’t remember her leaving but, when I woke up I had a new sense of what she looked like and that everything was okay. I had been asking her for help with some big decisions in my life right now, and even though she may not have directly answered them, by just SEEING her and her reactions, I knew I was on the right path and that everything was okay. I was reminded of my strength and purpose for living — she gives all of that to me. The strength to be able to overcome any obstacle and the unbelievable view of life that I have is all because of her.

We all have different ways of interpreting dreams like this. This translation may not have been what it was meant to mean, but I certainly don’t doubt it meant something. You would think this type of thing happens often, our loved ones that are gone appearing in our dreams…but you’d be surprised. It doesn’t happen as often as you think, nor even as often as you’d like. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. And visits like this are all about timing. Besides, if they happened more often, it wouldn’t mean as much when they did occur.

I know I’ve never felt the need to write them down in the past, but I’m telling you, this one was different. To actually be able to see her react, and her excitement and affection–her ability to act like nothing was wrong and everything was normal–THAT is what stands out the most. Whether it was actually her, or a figment of my imagination that just wanted it to be her, it still resonates with me.

This is one I’ll remember for a good while. And I hope this gives everyone else something to hold on to as well. Every time I start to doubt, I’m reminded there’s no reason to. And even though it’s a sucky situation to be in (only being able to communicate with your mother through dreams), it has taught me so much about this world we live in and the life we are given. And that’s knowledge you can only learn by experience. Taking the positive from a negative situation is the only possible choice I have if I ever want to be able to lead the closest thing to a “normal” life.

As fast as this dream world pulls you in, reality can come back just as fast and shut you out. As I continued to write this throughout my commute to work and now posting it while at work, I’m thrown right back into reality. That’s why I believe it’s important to give some time to pull yourself from reality for a few minutes every once in awhile and reflect. It’s what keeps ME going! I hope this story does just that for you.