Simply Misunderstood XO

There’s so many things I could say and so many different directions I could go about this topic, so bare with me. Anyone who has experienced a death close to them knows that, even though it sucks, life goes on. It’s days like today, the next day, next week, next month, and the whole rest of the year that are probably harder than the actual anniversary of the death is. You know why? Because that’s the day everyone acknowledges my mom’s passing…It happened on April 11, yes, but that’s the day everyone (who knows) supports and reaches out. It hurts to know another year has passed, but I’ll tell ya what! It hurt even worse when my sister moved away to college and left me home with a house full of males, when my brother graduated middle school and was the only one of us who didn’t have his mom there to congratulate him, when other women were coming into our house because my dad needed to move on; when I celebrated my sweet 16, got my first boyfriend, went to prom, graduated high school, moved into college, had my first break up, graduated college, got my first job and SOO much more. These are the things that hurt the most…milestones that just remind us that she’s gone. So, while everyone acknowledges the fact that we may not be okay each year on the anniversary of her passing, think about all of the other days we may not be okay. Nobody reaches out to us then, we have to find some way to deal with it. And we always do. That’s (unfortunately) how life works.

So, that’s why I didn’t really decide to acknowledge the fact it was April 11, 2018 and it has been 9 years since my mother passed. Yes, it’s tough, but what I’ve learned from all of those other times during the year was that, it’s okay to deal with it alone and process it in whatever way necessary. Because no one is going to be there for me during those birthdays, wedding days, births of children, etc. feeling sorry for me because my mother isn’t there. They’re going to be HAPPY for me and so proud; they won’t want to dampen the mood by acknowledging anything that could make me sad (obviously with the exception of close family, because they are probably feeling the same way).

Which brings me to my other thoughts… I would say about 90% of the people in my life now (with the exception of family) have never met my mom or even knew how my life was back then. That’s also a tough pill to swallow. It makes it worse knowing these people are trying to support me, but I think to myself “they don’t even know.” I’m aware that this was going to happen in life anyway, I would leave old friends and relationships behind to form newer, and stronger ones. But sometimes, I can’t help but wish I had the support of the people who were there when it all happened, to bring a sense of familiarity and comfort…a sense of nostalgia.

In light of everything, I always say this experience has taught me to grow up, and mature beyond my years. It has given me so much insight and perspectives on life that I never even would’ve known existed had I never been through this experience. And that’s all I can take away from it. Yes, this happen. Yes, it’s heartbreaking. Yes, a piece of my heart will be gone forever. But, at least (I hope) I have become a better, wiser, more motivated and inspirational person because of it. Not to say that wasn’t all there from the beginning, (because heck, if I wasn’t raised the way I was then I wouldn’t even have the ability to view it this way at ALL) but April 11, 2009 is definitely a day that changed my life forever, and made me figure it all out on my own.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about at least some of this; I don’t need it to be April 11 or her birthday or Mother’s Day to think about all of the things I’ve missed.

HOWEVER I don’t want to lose sight of the REASON this all happened…OVARIAN CANCER. We can cry and be sad and mope around all we want, but I don’t think that’s what Donna would’ve wanted. She’s probably cursing us out because we haven’t been working hard enough at finding a cure for this deadly disease that she lost her battle to…and for anyone that knew her, you knew she was competitive so she definitely wants us to kick it’s ass for her! So, as I say all the time, we need to make it our mission to raise awareness and fund research for ovarian cancer so no other family has to go through what we did 9 years ago… please visit Ovarian.org, Ovariancancer.org, or anywhere else you can learn about the signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer and get involved in spreading awareness. We have to listen closely, because it whispers.